The day is upon you, lovers, and once again, it’s time to show your significant other just how much they mean to you. Here are three simple gifts that anyone couldn’t help but be happy to receive!


1. A Box of Flowers and Chocolates

Although it’s longtime tradition of The Big Day of Love, this classic pair’s impact has yet to diminish and always brings a smile. Sweet smells and sweet tastes never fail, so find their favorite flavor, or tempt them to be bold with an assortment — maybe even something provocative. Mmm!


2. A Rabies Shot

The trick to pulling off the effect of this one is solid preparation. It’s really a two-parter that begins during the winter holidays by gifting your lover a rabid pet—a bunny or a small dog, perhaps. By the time St. V’s Day rolls around, the stage will be set for the final piece. Nothing says I love you more than a vile of a life-saving vaccine for the deadly viral disease you’ve set loose on them.


3. Their Own Heart

Everyone knows that the best and quickest way to someone’s heart is directly through their chest. So this Valentine’s Day, make the ultimate gesture and rip out your significant other’s heart straight through their ribcage, wrap it up nicely, and let them have it back. The look of unabashed affection on their face will make all the damning Black Magic and Faustian Bargains finally seem worth the sacrifice. PLUS, the subsequent trip to the hospital can give you two a little time alone to end your special night on an intimate note. Love is perfect!

Best of luck, you starry-eyed sycophants!

Happy Valentine’s Day!